The Stiff Upper Lip: Male Culture
My father suffered a great deal of childhood trauma growing up in Mexico. These were experiences that deeply impacted his interactions with friends, family and himself throughout his entire life. These were experiences that he felt were his burden to wear and he never spoke a word of it to us until I was already in my 30’s and he was in his 60’s. Keep in mind that he was also the type of father who worked 35 years at a factory and never once used a sick day that I could remember. Did he ever get sick? No, of course he did… probably. I say probably because he never spoke much. Those years of immense hardship resided in part of his existence and he felt that it was best to keep himself withdrawn to “save” those he loved from these experiences. Almost like his heart was a vault where he kept these awful experiences and only he knew the combination.
The same experiences/beliefs my father held echoed in my years providing therapy. Engrained in their DNA is a negative assumption that no one, not their partner, children, closest friends, cared to hear about what awful things happened to them. The issue isn’t that these adults continue to have these beliefs, but that it is a badge of pride within the male culture of America to hold these toxic experiences from those we love. And while we do so, these toxins are slowly poisoning us from within.
The male “Stiff Upper Lip” culture can be seen in our championing of professional athletes who compete even when sick or injured. It shows great “determination”, “grit”, “strength”. The competition of who can endure the most pain without complaining is pervasive in our culture. Men regularly stonewall their true emotions from their partners, but they also stonewall their emotional grief/ills to themselves. But the years of holding these experiences/feelings inside cause significant relationship, mental and physical damage in the long term.
This way of life bleeds into how we feel about the world. The idea that “if I believe no one in my inner circle cares to hear about how I feel or I don’t want to burden them with my problems or sound like a complainer” is real in our society. If you believe this about our world, then our society becomes a much smaller, much colder place to exist. As a result, isolating oneself from this cold, unloving world becomes common among men coping with a great deal of emotional turmoil. To cope we learn to distract ourselves with sports teams, video games, television or we seek immediate gratification activities like drinking, empty sexual or romantic ventures and drug use. Suddenly, this part of yourself that you value so much, this ability to suffer great sadness without anyone in your inner circe knowing the full extent leads you to activities that only deepen the hole you’ve fall into.
Though you may have been living this life for countless years, you can always make the decision to change the trajectory of your life:
The Light Within
Life obstacles are guaranteed in life and there is no avoiding this. For as long as we are on this earth, we will go through waves of happiness and appreciation and depths of uncertainty and emotional instability. If you have found yourself reading this, you have arrived to a place in life where you ask yourself, “does it have to be like this? Is there an another way to live?” The answer is yes, but it takes dedication to the notion that you will be the source of this positive change, it will not come from external sources. No drug, drink, tv show, distraction, romantic pursuit or new purchase will provide you long term relief. The relief will have to come from yourself and you have to believe that you have the light within to break through this stage of sadness. Just like a grey cloudy day, when you look up at the sky and can’t see the sun, you know that the sun is always there, it’s just hidden behind clouds today.
2. Inherent Worth
There is an inherent worth in all of us. We deserve to live to our fullest potentials and we must believe that somewhere in this world, spiritually speaking though not necessarily God, that our happiness means something in the cosmic balance. To fall prey to the idea “no one truly understands or cares about my sadness and struggles”, will quickly lead to isolation and spiraling. According to a vast amount of marriage research, men tend to fall into stonewalling communication patterns with their partners where they have strong feelings/opinions but decide it’s best to not speak of them. There is no research showing that stonewalling increases marital or personal happiness so this technique doesn’t seem to serve a positive purpose in the long run. So we must try to stop this pattern of interactions as men, and force ourselves to become uncomfortable with increasing our communication to those we trust. By increasing our communication, we finally give those around us an opportunity to show us compassion, empathy and give us a glimpse of a world that is less cold and more caring.
There is an energy that exists in this world which connects all of us. It is not cold and uncaring, it strives to assist us if we open our eyes and mind to its signs all around us. Meditation, yoga, eastern philosophy have spoken at length about these energies that exist around us and bind us. The signs around all of us tell us in a firm, nurturing voice “yes I see you and you matter.” To build and strengthen a connection with this energy outside of us is key when beginning therapy to address isolation, depression and anxiety.